Rock Bottom

I feel like im a monster. i hate looking at myself in the mirror when i ido i want to cut myself im so hidious and extremly large. i just want to be happy and full of energy and do things with the kids. i wish i could see myself as beautiful.
It scares me how i see myself. i want to cut cause it will take the pain im feeling away.
why do i have to feel this way. i hate how one day im fine and the next irritable and depressed. like today i kept yelling at the kids for stupid reason
i want to love myself and not be a monster:(

The roller coaster i live

I feel depressed but yet I feel fine. But then I dont know how I feel and I want to cut myself so the painwill go away and so i'll will feel something. i want to be left alone and just stay in my room but i know i cant i have to go places ( at least that is what kathy tells me) but im afraid togo places and be aound people and hearthe things they say about me and most of all something bad will happen. i feel like im a bad wife because i wont make love to johnathon. its not that i dont cause i do its just i scared to cause i feel like i am hidious and extremly large and i am repulsive to him. i feel he dont believe me about what is wrong and when i talk i bother him. im scared he is going to tell me to leave  because im not being a wife anymore. i just want to be happy and fun be like i use to. i hate myself :( Im just a monster now.