Rock Bottom

I feel like im a monster. i hate looking at myself in the mirror when i ido i want to cut myself im so hidious and extremly large. i just want to be happy and full of energy and do things with the kids. i wish i could see myself as beautiful.
It scares me how i see myself. i want to cut cause it will take the pain im feeling away.
why do i have to feel this way. i hate how one day im fine and the next irritable and depressed. like today i kept yelling at the kids for stupid reason
i want to love myself and not be a monster:(

The roller coaster i live

I feel depressed but yet I feel fine. But then I dont know how I feel and I want to cut myself so the painwill go away and so i'll will feel something. i want to be left alone and just stay in my room but i know i cant i have to go places ( at least that is what kathy tells me) but im afraid togo places and be aound people and hearthe things they say about me and most of all something bad will happen. i feel like im a bad wife because i wont make love to johnathon. its not that i dont cause i do its just i scared to cause i feel like i am hidious and extremly large and i am repulsive to him. i feel he dont believe me about what is wrong and when i talk i bother him. im scared he is going to tell me to leave  because im not being a wife anymore. i just want to be happy and fun be like i use to. i hate myself :( Im just a monster now.

A New Day

Today I started my Lexapro and I know i just started it but i felt a little better i didnt feel so  down or sad i actually had energy and i did something i did not think i would be able to do. I took the kids down to the pool and spent the afternoon down there enjoying the sun and watching the kiddos play. I didnt even have a panic attack. Now if i could of been that brave and went to open labs. I have till the end of july to check off and get my cpr and background and drug test done. im so scared to get that done and graduate. I pray that the new meds continue to help and im able to get out of the house more and do more like today. but im proud of wat baby steps i made today.

Last night I couldnt sleep everytime I would try to sleep I kept seeing the day my momma died and it would scare me. I just want to sleep all night with no bad dreams. While I was dreaming of that day I then would hear my other personality tell me to cut myself and that way I would feel better and all the pain would go away. I hate when that personality comes out she wants me to hurt myself and she likes to spend money and very sexual like i cant get enough sex with johnathon. Then the little girl my other personality is very shy and doesnt like to be around alot of people and she feels like crying and wants to stay safe in her home.

Well enough for now going to try to enjoy some time with the kiddos.

The Never Ending Roller Coaster

For the past two weeks I have been on a roller coaster ride from hell! One minute I will be feeling fine  and then the next i will be in a manic state then back to fine and then depressed. One of my manic states I went shopping and spent over $1000 and walked into a salon and decided i no longer wanted to look like me and cut over 7in off my hair! Now I dont want to leave my house and if i do or have to i start to panic and all i want to do is cry i dont want to do nothing. i feel so bad cause my kids keep wanting me to take them to the pool but i cant bring myself around to do it. I finally called my doctor yesterday and told them that my Celxa that they have me on for depression is not working and to put me back on Lexapro. He finally called me back today and I now am on Lexapro along with my Bipolar medications Geodon, Lithium and my Anxiety & PTSD medication Klonipin. I pray this combination of medication will finally work so I can function. I am to the point where I want to cut again just to take the pain away but I made a contract to my kids and husband stating that I wont cut or drink. So no worries i am not going to. I just want to be able to sleep and function. I would take the manic over this depression anytime.

I am still in therapy but they also started me on a new kind of therapy called EMDR and man that wares you out the different feelings you go through is crazy. So yes if your counting that is 3 different people i see. Its been awhile since I wrote so I will catch y'all up. We moved into a bigger house and we are buying it, my dad lost his battle with cancer in March so now I am trying to move on with my life. Its hard I miss my parents and its even harder to watch children with their grandparents. I am on summer vacation right now but am doing check offs for my clinical externs.If all goes right and my anxiety doesnt get the best of me I will be graduating May of next year. Im kind of scared to but yet im excited at the same time. Well Im going to try to write in my blog everyday just to write about how my day is going and my emotions Im feeling. Just the life of a bipolar chick:):

~LIFE~

Where has the time gone my mommy has been gone now for a year, I am now in the last year of college & cancer free for a year now. But in March my life stopped and now I am trying to start over and pick up the pieces. From January to March I watched one of the strongest man I know fade away. My dad passed away March 14th :( 

    Not only am I picking up the pieces to my life but also living with PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, Bi polar type 2, Hypomanic, Dissociative Disorder. I also lost my faith during this time.

     I am still angry at GOD for taking all my parents and leaving me alone, but I know they are in a better place and watching over me. I also know I am not alone I have a beautiful crazy bunch of people I call my family, awesome friends & an amazing husband who has been my rock through all this.

So as a chapter and door closes in my life and I begin the next chapter and slowly open the door I will live positive, full of life and cherish and spend as much time with my family as I can.

                                                              Love♥

Mommy

Sweet smile on your face as you sleep the pain away,
Resting in God's arms now, although in the ground your body lay.
He needed another angel in the Heavenly choir and that's why you had to go.
As you promised, you are still with us watching your children here below.

I never would have imagined the end would be like this, me comforting you.
Holding your hand, telling you not to worry was not an easy thing for me to do.
And even in your weakest hour you tried to comfort me too,
Caressing my face, and calming my soul as only a mother can soothe.

You have always been there through the thick and the thin
No matter what I've done, unconditionally you love never wavering.
When I told you of the mistakes I made and all the times people saw me fall
You simply nodded and gently replied 'so have we all'.
The key to success is learning from the past
Ensuring a brighter future is now the present task.

A pillar of strength even until the end
Fighting all life's battles, knowing it's triumphantly you would win
Pushing me to be the best that you know I can be
Reminding me to keep the faith and allow God to lead me.
Knowing it's through Christ that I can do all things
And as He never makes a mistake I will come through victoriously.

I miss you more than these words could ever say
The pain in my heart is from one unimaginable day
After I cried all that I could; my eyes still shed countless more tears
And when I try to sleep, I have nightmares of ten-thousand fears
I walk in footsteps on an unsure path
My load feels so heavy I am not sure I will last.

Silly though I may be I am afraid of life now that you're gone
Because I've always had a mother.
And Mommy, what about my sister and my children.
I wish you could have stayed just a little while longer, there's so much left to do
I wonder if I prayed hard enough and if so, did they get through.

Finding relief in knowing I will see you again someday soon
Remembering all you taught me as my soul I continue to groom
I will walk in footsteps you have walked before me
Seeing the path you walked lead you, Mommy, straight into victory.

So as you sleep Mommy, in the cradle of the Lord,
I am reassured of God's promises in His Holy Word.
I dream of the day when Heaven's gates open to receive me
And with your smiling face and loving eyes, reunited once again I will be.

Every time that I smile,
Every time that I sigh,
I think of your face,
And a tear escapes my eye.

You were my world,
My inspiration and my heart,
But when you left me,
I thought I would fall apart.

You were my best friend,
My one true 'confidante',
And that's not all you were,
You were also my mom.

I didn't want to live without you,
But you would have wanted me to,
And if there's anyone I want to make happy,
That anyone is you

I would have given anything to have you back,
But I know now that it was meant to be,
For you are still watching from up there,
And I know you're watching me.

I'll make you proud mom,
I'm going to fulfill your wish,
You're going to see me and smile,
That's a daughter's promise.