A New Day

Today I started my Lexapro and I know i just started it but i felt a little better i didnt feel so  down or sad i actually had energy and i did something i did not think i would be able to do. I took the kids down to the pool and spent the afternoon down there enjoying the sun and watching the kiddos play. I didnt even have a panic attack. Now if i could of been that brave and went to open labs. I have till the end of july to check off and get my cpr and background and drug test done. im so scared to get that done and graduate. I pray that the new meds continue to help and im able to get out of the house more and do more like today. but im proud of wat baby steps i made today.

Last night I couldnt sleep everytime I would try to sleep I kept seeing the day my momma died and it would scare me. I just want to sleep all night with no bad dreams. While I was dreaming of that day I then would hear my other personality tell me to cut myself and that way I would feel better and all the pain would go away. I hate when that personality comes out she wants me to hurt myself and she likes to spend money and very sexual like i cant get enough sex with johnathon. Then the little girl my other personality is very shy and doesnt like to be around alot of people and she feels like crying and wants to stay safe in her home.

Well enough for now going to try to enjoy some time with the kiddos.

The Never Ending Roller Coaster

For the past two weeks I have been on a roller coaster ride from hell! One minute I will be feeling fine  and then the next i will be in a manic state then back to fine and then depressed. One of my manic states I went shopping and spent over $1000 and walked into a salon and decided i no longer wanted to look like me and cut over 7in off my hair! Now I dont want to leave my house and if i do or have to i start to panic and all i want to do is cry i dont want to do nothing. i feel so bad cause my kids keep wanting me to take them to the pool but i cant bring myself around to do it. I finally called my doctor yesterday and told them that my Celxa that they have me on for depression is not working and to put me back on Lexapro. He finally called me back today and I now am on Lexapro along with my Bipolar medications Geodon, Lithium and my Anxiety & PTSD medication Klonipin. I pray this combination of medication will finally work so I can function. I am to the point where I want to cut again just to take the pain away but I made a contract to my kids and husband stating that I wont cut or drink. So no worries i am not going to. I just want to be able to sleep and function. I would take the manic over this depression anytime.

I am still in therapy but they also started me on a new kind of therapy called EMDR and man that wares you out the different feelings you go through is crazy. So yes if your counting that is 3 different people i see. Its been awhile since I wrote so I will catch y'all up. We moved into a bigger house and we are buying it, my dad lost his battle with cancer in March so now I am trying to move on with my life. Its hard I miss my parents and its even harder to watch children with their grandparents. I am on summer vacation right now but am doing check offs for my clinical externs.If all goes right and my anxiety doesnt get the best of me I will be graduating May of next year. Im kind of scared to but yet im excited at the same time. Well Im going to try to write in my blog everyday just to write about how my day is going and my emotions Im feeling. Just the life of a bipolar chick:):

~LIFE~

Where has the time gone my mommy has been gone now for a year, I am now in the last year of college & cancer free for a year now. But in March my life stopped and now I am trying to start over and pick up the pieces. From January to March I watched one of the strongest man I know fade away. My dad passed away March 14th :( 

    Not only am I picking up the pieces to my life but also living with PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, Bi polar type 2, Hypomanic, Dissociative Disorder. I also lost my faith during this time.

     I am still angry at GOD for taking all my parents and leaving me alone, but I know they are in a better place and watching over me. I also know I am not alone I have a beautiful crazy bunch of people I call my family, awesome friends & an amazing husband who has been my rock through all this.

So as a chapter and door closes in my life and I begin the next chapter and slowly open the door I will live positive, full of life and cherish and spend as much time with my family as I can.

                                                              Love♥

Mommy

Sweet smile on your face as you sleep the pain away,
Resting in God's arms now, although in the ground your body lay.
He needed another angel in the Heavenly choir and that's why you had to go.
As you promised, you are still with us watching your children here below.

I never would have imagined the end would be like this, me comforting you.
Holding your hand, telling you not to worry was not an easy thing for me to do.
And even in your weakest hour you tried to comfort me too,
Caressing my face, and calming my soul as only a mother can soothe.

You have always been there through the thick and the thin
No matter what I've done, unconditionally you love never wavering.
When I told you of the mistakes I made and all the times people saw me fall
You simply nodded and gently replied 'so have we all'.
The key to success is learning from the past
Ensuring a brighter future is now the present task.

A pillar of strength even until the end
Fighting all life's battles, knowing it's triumphantly you would win
Pushing me to be the best that you know I can be
Reminding me to keep the faith and allow God to lead me.
Knowing it's through Christ that I can do all things
And as He never makes a mistake I will come through victoriously.

I miss you more than these words could ever say
The pain in my heart is from one unimaginable day
After I cried all that I could; my eyes still shed countless more tears
And when I try to sleep, I have nightmares of ten-thousand fears
I walk in footsteps on an unsure path
My load feels so heavy I am not sure I will last.

Silly though I may be I am afraid of life now that you're gone
Because I've always had a mother.
And Mommy, what about my sister and my children.
I wish you could have stayed just a little while longer, there's so much left to do
I wonder if I prayed hard enough and if so, did they get through.

Finding relief in knowing I will see you again someday soon
Remembering all you taught me as my soul I continue to groom
I will walk in footsteps you have walked before me
Seeing the path you walked lead you, Mommy, straight into victory.

So as you sleep Mommy, in the cradle of the Lord,
I am reassured of God's promises in His Holy Word.
I dream of the day when Heaven's gates open to receive me
And with your smiling face and loving eyes, reunited once again I will be.

Every time that I smile,
Every time that I sigh,
I think of your face,
And a tear escapes my eye.

You were my world,
My inspiration and my heart,
But when you left me,
I thought I would fall apart.

You were my best friend,
My one true 'confidante',
And that's not all you were,
You were also my mom.

I didn't want to live without you,
But you would have wanted me to,
And if there's anyone I want to make happy,
That anyone is you

I would have given anything to have you back,
But I know now that it was meant to be,
For you are still watching from up there,
And I know you're watching me.

I'll make you proud mom,
I'm going to fulfill your wish,
You're going to see me and smile,
That's a daughter's promise.

Spinning Out of Control....

On December8,2010 I had a partial abdominal hysterectomy...I had to have this done due to my bleeding & I could not live with the pain any more ( heavy pain meds was not working) I had Adenomyosis & Endometriosis. I thought I was going to be ok I mean I was fine with the fact I could not have any more children I have 5 beautiful ones now & from going through this very bless to have them, they discovered that because of me having this I almost lost all of my babies & they don't understand how I even had children...I thank GOD every day for them. Well during the healing process was hard I am the one that always takes care of everyone & everything...it was very hard for me to allow my family to take care of me but going through this has opened my eyes I look at my family totally differently I am blessed with such a wonderful & supportive husband that takes good care of me & has put up with my emotional roller coaster I've been on. But recovery has not been that easy for me I found out before Christmas that I have a blood clot & a seroma, bad infection and that if my body can not take care of the clots I will have to be hospitalized and have them remove them. The pain is getting better still hurts & presure is bad but I am making it....now I am facing a new problem MY WORLD IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL!!!! It started when I was getting ready to leave the hospital I was looking at myself in the mirror and started to cry all I could do is say "I'm so ugly & repulsive now!!!" I thought I could handle it & with the support of my husband get through it well I was wrong it only got worse....I started to think my family and husband was mad at me, Johnathon does not want me, I'm not beautiful enough for him or what he wants (which only got worse when i confronted him about him turning to porn...but he apologized and we are working on that), I am losing my life, family & husband, Johnathon hates me, I don't turn him on and he wants someone else. When I talk to him about it he reassures me that I am his number 1, only one he wants, he is happy, content & is not going any where. And I know all this and I know my feelings and thoughts are not true but I can't help but think this and all I do is cry and it is tearing me up. I feel like I am losing everything....I am standing in a middle of a room that is spinning and trying to grab on to my husband's hand to save me but I can't reach cause the room keeps spinning faster and faster. I finally broke down yesterday after crying all day and I called the doctor and told what is going on and for how long and she put me on medicine for depression. I told Johnathon what was going on and what was going on in my head and cried to him and all he could do was hug me and tell me he loves me and is not going any where. But as I laid there last night trying to go to sleep I was trying to convince my mind that Johnathon does not hate me now and is not mad at me and he still wants me....my mind is trying to tell me that he hates me, is mad at me and does not want me now because of what I told him and that I am on medicine. Its going to be a long road for me this is only my second day of being on them and I am scared...scared of losing my life, family and husband but I know I am not and that I will get through this and we will become closer and I have the best support I could ever ask for. I just pray for reassurance and peace for having reassurance from GOD and my husband I know it will be ok and I will start to find peace!LORD hear my cry PLEASE help me.....continue to have Johnathon show me and reassure me that it is ok, he loves me and is not going any where.LORD I pray this in your name!!!

~* HAPPY NEW YEAR'S *~

Today starts a new life, new me & big changes...2011 will be better, brighter & amazing! So as you start 2011 remember to smile & laugh, take life slow, cherish everything, help others, do good to others & the new year for it will come back to you, don't cast judgment, stay positive, say I'm sorry & I love you, have faith of a mustard seed & never stop praying or believing, know you are beautiful & blessed. So welcome 2011 with open arms & may you & your loved ones be blessed beyond your wildest dreams, have wonderful memories & have a wonderful & amazing year.But pain meds are kicking in so I am out but know I love you all♥