~♥ My World..My Life ♥~

Friday, January 7, 2011

Spinning Out of Control....

On December8,2010 I had a partial abdominal hysterectomy...I had to have this done due to my bleeding & I could not live with the pain any more ( heavy pain meds was not working) I had Adenomyosis & Endometriosis. I thought I was going to be ok I mean I was fine with the fact I could not have any more children I have 5 beautiful ones now & from going through this very bless to have them, they discovered that because of me having this I almost lost all of my babies & they don't understand how I even had children...I thank GOD every day for them. Well during the healing process was hard I am the one that always takes care of everyone & everything...it was very hard for me to allow my family to take care of me but going through this has opened my eyes I look at my family totally differently I am blessed with such a wonderful & supportive husband that takes good care of me & has put up with my emotional roller coaster I've been on. But recovery has not been that easy for me I found out before Christmas that I have a blood clot & a seroma, bad infection and that if my body can not take care of the clots I will have to be hospitalized and have them remove them. The pain is getting better still hurts & presure is bad but I am making it....now I am facing a new problem MY WORLD IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL!!!! It started when I was getting ready to leave the hospital I was looking at myself in the mirror and started to cry all I could do is say "I'm so ugly & repulsive now!!!" I thought I could handle it & with the support of my husband get through it well I was wrong it only got worse....I started to think my family and husband was mad at me, Johnathon does not want me, I'm not beautiful enough for him or what he wants (which only got worse when i confronted him about him turning to porn...but he apologized and we are working on that), I am losing my life, family & husband, Johnathon hates me, I don't turn him on and he wants someone else. When I talk to him about it he reassures me that I am his number 1, only one he wants, he is happy, content & is not going any where. And I know all this and I know my feelings and thoughts are not true but I can't help but think this and all I do is cry and it is tearing me up. I feel like I am losing everything....I am standing in a middle of a room that is spinning and trying to grab on to my husband's hand to save me but I can't reach cause the room keeps spinning faster and faster. I finally broke down yesterday after crying all day and I called the doctor and told what is going on and for how long and she put me on medicine for depression. I told Johnathon what was going on and what was going on in my head and cried to him and all he could do was hug me and tell me he loves me and is not going any where. But as I laid there last night trying to go to sleep I was trying to convince my mind that Johnathon does not hate me now and is not mad at me and he still wants me....my mind is trying to tell me that he hates me, is mad at me and does not want me now because of what I told him and that I am on medicine. Its going to be a long road for me this is only my second day of being on them and I am scared...scared of losing my life, family and husband but I know I am not and that I will get through this and we will become closer and I have the best support I could ever ask for. I just pray for reassurance and peace for having reassurance from GOD and my husband I know it will be ok and I will start to find peace!LORD hear my cry PLEASE help me.....continue to have Johnathon show me and reassure me that it is ok, he loves me and is not going any where.LORD I pray this in your name!!!

Saturday, January 1, 2011


Today starts a new life, new me & big changes...2011 will be better, brighter & amazing! So as you start 2011 remember to smile & laugh, take life slow, cherish everything, help others, do good to others & the new year for it will come back to you, don't cast judgment, stay positive, say I'm sorry & I love you, have faith of a mustard seed & never stop praying or believing, know you are beautiful & blessed. So welcome 2011 with open arms & may you & your loved ones be blessed beyond your wildest dreams, have wonderful memories & have a wonderful & amazing year.But pain meds are kicking in so I am out but know I love you all♥

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