~LIFE~

Where has the time gone my mommy has been gone now for a year, I am now in the last year of college & cancer free for a year now. But in March my life stopped and now I am trying to start over and pick up the pieces. From January to March I watched one of the strongest man I know fade away. My dad passed away March 14th :( 

    Not only am I picking up the pieces to my life but also living with PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, Bi polar type 2, Hypomanic, Dissociative Disorder. I also lost my faith during this time.

     I am still angry at GOD for taking all my parents and leaving me alone, but I know they are in a better place and watching over me. I also know I am not alone I have a beautiful crazy bunch of people I call my family, awesome friends & an amazing husband who has been my rock through all this.

So as a chapter and door closes in my life and I begin the next chapter and slowly open the door I will live positive, full of life and cherish and spend as much time with my family as I can.

                                                              Love♥

Mommy

Sweet smile on your face as you sleep the pain away,
Resting in God's arms now, although in the ground your body lay.
He needed another angel in the Heavenly choir and that's why you had to go.
As you promised, you are still with us watching your children here below.

I never would have imagined the end would be like this, me comforting you.
Holding your hand, telling you not to worry was not an easy thing for me to do.
And even in your weakest hour you tried to comfort me too,
Caressing my face, and calming my soul as only a mother can soothe.

You have always been there through the thick and the thin
No matter what I've done, unconditionally you love never wavering.
When I told you of the mistakes I made and all the times people saw me fall
You simply nodded and gently replied 'so have we all'.
The key to success is learning from the past
Ensuring a brighter future is now the present task.

A pillar of strength even until the end
Fighting all life's battles, knowing it's triumphantly you would win
Pushing me to be the best that you know I can be
Reminding me to keep the faith and allow God to lead me.
Knowing it's through Christ that I can do all things
And as He never makes a mistake I will come through victoriously.

I miss you more than these words could ever say
The pain in my heart is from one unimaginable day
After I cried all that I could; my eyes still shed countless more tears
And when I try to sleep, I have nightmares of ten-thousand fears
I walk in footsteps on an unsure path
My load feels so heavy I am not sure I will last.

Silly though I may be I am afraid of life now that you're gone
Because I've always had a mother.
And Mommy, what about my sister and my children.
I wish you could have stayed just a little while longer, there's so much left to do
I wonder if I prayed hard enough and if so, did they get through.

Finding relief in knowing I will see you again someday soon
Remembering all you taught me as my soul I continue to groom
I will walk in footsteps you have walked before me
Seeing the path you walked lead you, Mommy, straight into victory.

So as you sleep Mommy, in the cradle of the Lord,
I am reassured of God's promises in His Holy Word.
I dream of the day when Heaven's gates open to receive me
And with your smiling face and loving eyes, reunited once again I will be.

Every time that I smile,
Every time that I sigh,
I think of your face,
And a tear escapes my eye.

You were my world,
My inspiration and my heart,
But when you left me,
I thought I would fall apart.

You were my best friend,
My one true 'confidante',
And that's not all you were,
You were also my mom.

I didn't want to live without you,
But you would have wanted me to,
And if there's anyone I want to make happy,
That anyone is you

I would have given anything to have you back,
But I know now that it was meant to be,
For you are still watching from up there,
And I know you're watching me.

I'll make you proud mom,
I'm going to fulfill your wish,
You're going to see me and smile,
That's a daughter's promise.

Spinning Out of Control....

On December8,2010 I had a partial abdominal hysterectomy...I had to have this done due to my bleeding & I could not live with the pain any more ( heavy pain meds was not working) I had Adenomyosis & Endometriosis. I thought I was going to be ok I mean I was fine with the fact I could not have any more children I have 5 beautiful ones now & from going through this very bless to have them, they discovered that because of me having this I almost lost all of my babies & they don't understand how I even had children...I thank GOD every day for them. Well during the healing process was hard I am the one that always takes care of everyone & everything...it was very hard for me to allow my family to take care of me but going through this has opened my eyes I look at my family totally differently I am blessed with such a wonderful & supportive husband that takes good care of me & has put up with my emotional roller coaster I've been on. But recovery has not been that easy for me I found out before Christmas that I have a blood clot & a seroma, bad infection and that if my body can not take care of the clots I will have to be hospitalized and have them remove them. The pain is getting better still hurts & presure is bad but I am making it....now I am facing a new problem MY WORLD IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL!!!! It started when I was getting ready to leave the hospital I was looking at myself in the mirror and started to cry all I could do is say "I'm so ugly & repulsive now!!!" I thought I could handle it & with the support of my husband get through it well I was wrong it only got worse....I started to think my family and husband was mad at me, Johnathon does not want me, I'm not beautiful enough for him or what he wants (which only got worse when i confronted him about him turning to porn...but he apologized and we are working on that), I am losing my life, family & husband, Johnathon hates me, I don't turn him on and he wants someone else. When I talk to him about it he reassures me that I am his number 1, only one he wants, he is happy, content & is not going any where. And I know all this and I know my feelings and thoughts are not true but I can't help but think this and all I do is cry and it is tearing me up. I feel like I am losing everything....I am standing in a middle of a room that is spinning and trying to grab on to my husband's hand to save me but I can't reach cause the room keeps spinning faster and faster. I finally broke down yesterday after crying all day and I called the doctor and told what is going on and for how long and she put me on medicine for depression. I told Johnathon what was going on and what was going on in my head and cried to him and all he could do was hug me and tell me he loves me and is not going any where. But as I laid there last night trying to go to sleep I was trying to convince my mind that Johnathon does not hate me now and is not mad at me and he still wants me....my mind is trying to tell me that he hates me, is mad at me and does not want me now because of what I told him and that I am on medicine. Its going to be a long road for me this is only my second day of being on them and I am scared...scared of losing my life, family and husband but I know I am not and that I will get through this and we will become closer and I have the best support I could ever ask for. I just pray for reassurance and peace for having reassurance from GOD and my husband I know it will be ok and I will start to find peace!LORD hear my cry PLEASE help me.....continue to have Johnathon show me and reassure me that it is ok, he loves me and is not going any where.LORD I pray this in your name!!!

~* HAPPY NEW YEAR'S *~

Today starts a new life, new me & big changes...2011 will be better, brighter & amazing! So as you start 2011 remember to smile & laugh, take life slow, cherish everything, help others, do good to others & the new year for it will come back to you, don't cast judgment, stay positive, say I'm sorry & I love you, have faith of a mustard seed & never stop praying or believing, know you are beautiful & blessed. So welcome 2011 with open arms & may you & your loved ones be blessed beyond your wildest dreams, have wonderful memories & have a wonderful & amazing year.But pain meds are kicking in so I am out but know I love you all♥

~* REFLECTION ON 2010 *~

2010 has been one crazy year! I have been emotionally, physically drained & the same with my family. We have lost a lot of people well they chose to walk out of our lives & I can honestly say life is better with out them, less drama but it hurts to see how hateful family can be but it is their loss & they are the ones missing out on a lot that they may never be able to be apart of. Saw the true side of people, people that I considered to be "family" and then they go behind my back to talk to others placing judgment about me but all I can do is walk away because I'm a bigger person & pray for them. Mom having surgery & then going down hill, having to take care of her. Being hospitalized & having 2 surgeries & going through complications, being told I never should of had children & its a miracle I have them & that survived childbirth. Moving in to a new home & knowing that people actually wanted this to happen or to ruin a family but you know all you took was a house you didn't destroy me or my family because the love & memories is still with us & it actually brought us closer & stronger:) A lot has happened this past year but now that I look back at everything life is better & more beautiful because of us going through this & I am a stronger women for it. I'm closer to my mom & step dad, we have a better home & are happier, I'm blessed with beautiful children & an amazing husband, family & marriage is stronger & we are closer, and everyone that has chose to walk out of our lives or to hurt me with their words has only made me stronger & I found the real me someone you will never get to know & life is more peaceful with out all the drama they brought before. I am truly grateful for all the ones that are still in our lives & that are true, to the new friends I have now well actually you are more then friends you are family & to the beautiful life I have. I am ready to start 2011 with a new out look on life & there will be many changes, big one to that & unfortunately some more people will be out of my life but I can't live a life full of drama, 2faced people, hatred, people that only say they care for you because they are nosy or do anything they can to get attention and unfortunately its negative, people full of negativeness. After everything I have been through this past year I see things & people in a different light.... you need to embrace the day & all of your blessings, be helpful, caring, loving, say a kind word or just a smile & don't cast judgment upon others, take life slow, enjoy everything around you, know how blessed you are & let the ones you care for know how much they are loved, stop to smell the roses, laugh more....enjoy life & all that is thrown & handed to you....because no matter how bad things seem in the end when you look back at everything you have been through a blessing came out of it. So here is to a better, stronger, happier, healthier me, more beautiful family, and an amazing year:)

Love you all♥

New school year & new changes :)

My oh my where did the summer go?! There is so many changes & fresh starts going on in our lives & specially mine:) This past Monday was my last day of running my daycare, after 10 years of doing daycare I closed my doors so I can go to school full time and get my degree in Nursing and Medical Assistant. The kids started school this Tuesday and so far they are loving it....here is to a awesome & good year!
Besides the daycare closing & school starting for me & the kids I have started working out again & so I can get fit & I am LOVING IT:) I also have done a lot of soul searching found an awesome church & going again & putting GOD in charge of my life & by doing that I had to rid my life of all the negative things & to stop worrying about what people think or say but know my family is happy & so am I and we are doing wonderful. Still fighting the inner battle and its gotten pretty bad but I am over coming it & getting stronger. Also dealing with my health problems two weeks ago I was in the hospital for a blood transfusion & Wednesday I will be having a biopsy done...praying that I don't have cancer but all I can do is put it in God's hands.

Here are a couple of pictures of what has been going on.








































































































I cant believe how fast my babies are growing up! Johnathon in 8th, Nathaniel in 7th, Andrea in 5th & Madelyn in 2nd! Cherish every moment & take life and everything you go through One step-one day at a time ♥ find the beauty & peace within everyone& everything ♥ take time for the simple things in life ♥ count your many blessings ♥ for life is beautiful & amazing ♥