A New Day

Today I started my Lexapro and I know i just started it but i felt a little better i didnt feel so  down or sad i actually had energy and i did something i did not think i would be able to do. I took the kids down to the pool and spent the afternoon down there enjoying the sun and watching the kiddos play. I didnt even have a panic attack. Now if i could of been that brave and went to open labs. I have till the end of july to check off and get my cpr and background and drug test done. im so scared to get that done and graduate. I pray that the new meds continue to help and im able to get out of the house more and do more like today. but im proud of wat baby steps i made today.

Last night I couldnt sleep everytime I would try to sleep I kept seeing the day my momma died and it would scare me. I just want to sleep all night with no bad dreams. While I was dreaming of that day I then would hear my other personality tell me to cut myself and that way I would feel better and all the pain would go away. I hate when that personality comes out she wants me to hurt myself and she likes to spend money and very sexual like i cant get enough sex with johnathon. Then the little girl my other personality is very shy and doesnt like to be around alot of people and she feels like crying and wants to stay safe in her home.

Well enough for now going to try to enjoy some time with the kiddos.

The Never Ending Roller Coaster

For the past two weeks I have been on a roller coaster ride from hell! One minute I will be feeling fine  and then the next i will be in a manic state then back to fine and then depressed. One of my manic states I went shopping and spent over $1000 and walked into a salon and decided i no longer wanted to look like me and cut over 7in off my hair! Now I dont want to leave my house and if i do or have to i start to panic and all i want to do is cry i dont want to do nothing. i feel so bad cause my kids keep wanting me to take them to the pool but i cant bring myself around to do it. I finally called my doctor yesterday and told them that my Celxa that they have me on for depression is not working and to put me back on Lexapro. He finally called me back today and I now am on Lexapro along with my Bipolar medications Geodon, Lithium and my Anxiety & PTSD medication Klonipin. I pray this combination of medication will finally work so I can function. I am to the point where I want to cut again just to take the pain away but I made a contract to my kids and husband stating that I wont cut or drink. So no worries i am not going to. I just want to be able to sleep and function. I would take the manic over this depression anytime.

I am still in therapy but they also started me on a new kind of therapy called EMDR and man that wares you out the different feelings you go through is crazy. So yes if your counting that is 3 different people i see. Its been awhile since I wrote so I will catch y'all up. We moved into a bigger house and we are buying it, my dad lost his battle with cancer in March so now I am trying to move on with my life. Its hard I miss my parents and its even harder to watch children with their grandparents. I am on summer vacation right now but am doing check offs for my clinical externs.If all goes right and my anxiety doesnt get the best of me I will be graduating May of next year. Im kind of scared to but yet im excited at the same time. Well Im going to try to write in my blog everyday just to write about how my day is going and my emotions Im feeling. Just the life of a bipolar chick:):