~Finding Peace~

(You must trust when all else fails)"Who against hope believed in hope, that he might become the father of many nations, according to that which was spoken, So shall thy seed be.And being not weak in faith, he considered not his own body now dead, when he was about an hundred years old, neither yet the deadness of Sarah's womb. Romans 4:18-19"

This is something I have to remember...to trust and to keep my faith in GOD I know he will guide me in the right direction and make peace with in me. But I just cant stop this battle that is going on inside of me I want it to STOP!!!!I'm torn about finding a job after 10 years of not working...I know I have to and I want to but I feel like there is so much pressure on me to find one and I don't understand why. I mean when my husband was laid off and we only had my income coming I was fine with supporting my family but I feel like he does not want to take on the responsibility of it while I am looking.So I tell him I will drop out of school so I can get a job now and he tells me NO I am not doing that. Then when I was on facebook I see he is friends with a girl our marriage counselor told him to brake all ties from if he wants our marriage to work.So now am I battling the bad feelings about not being able to take care of my family but the old issues of wondering if he truly wants to stay married to me is coming back.I feel like just running away and not coming back. I hate these feelings that I am dealing with. I know I need to stop, take a breath & pray and turn everything over to GOD and let him handle everything and guide me in the right direction. But I can't help to think maybe I should of left in March and we would not be going through this right now. I try to put on the "happy " face and pretend everything is going wonderfully and be positive but I cant I see me building a wall up and not letting anyone in and I don't want to go there or be that bitter person.
But even though I am going through these feeling right now I am making it a wonderful and fun summer for my kids. I think my new residence is outside:) Every day we are at the pool or at the beach.






My kids and daycare kids enjoying the pool:)











Building sandcastles☼




Its been relaxing and enjoyable so far this summer. And I found out yesterday that my mom finally gets to come home this Thursday after being gone for 3 weeks:) The kids and I are so excited we have missed her and we will be celebrating Father's Day on Sunday.....we waited for her to be home to celebrate it. Starting now...today I am embracing the day it is my day and following the Lord for he will place me on the right path and I know keeping my faith in him I will have peace and everything will work out!!!!

~ Feeling blahhhhh until.......~

Even though we was finally able to go outside and play and the sun did come out for a little I have felt very blahhhhhh all day. My son Nate (13) and I have been going at it and he has been fighting with his other brother (also 13).....let me give you a little back ground on Nate he has Tourette's , ADD/ADHD with anger & really bad impulses if not on his medication. And he has not been on it now for 2 days because of insurance but will be back on it tomorrow. His doctor is trying to get him to realise how his attitude and the impulses affect others if not he wont be able to what he wants and that is to become a Marine & police officer. Just when I was giving up on any hope of him seeing this and just wanted to go to my room and cry he comes up to me and goes...

NATE: mom i know i have been bad today and have been testing you but i am sorry. i love you mom and all you do for and the family.
MOM: nate........*crying now* i love you and that means a lot to me.

Then my youngest daughter goes......

MADDIE: who wants to hear a story i wrote
MOM & DAD: we do!!!!
MADDIE: its called Mommy & Daddy. I love you mommy and daddy alot. Thay are funny. They are a fary good shef. Thay owys macke the best colad ever. And thay macke the best brones ever to.
The EnD
MOM & DAD: that is very good sweetie
MADDIE: thank you im starting to become a arthor.


Couldn't help but smile and laugh. Just when I thought my day couldn't get better God sent me two little reminders of how good life is. Children can always cheer you up. Oh here is what it says when spelled right."It's called Mommy & Daddy. I love you mommy and daddy a lot. They are funny. They are very good chefs. They always make the best koolaide ever. And they make the best brownies to. The End." I just love the way little ones write when they are still learning....so cute:)

SWAGGER WAGON

I love this video:) And to think I use to say I would never drive a mini van....well I ♥ my swagger wagon. My boys told me for Christmas they are getting me a license plate that says swagger wagon on it cause we drive one....got to love my boys:)

♥* It's The Little Things In Life *♥

Sitting this morning while all the kids are asleep and my husband is at work I took time and cleared my head of all the negative things and really thought about all GOD has blessed me with and how sometimes I take it for granted. And don't thank him for all the little things in life such as...........


The girls came running out of their room on the first day of summer vacation ready to go to the pool!!!!!






















All my kids on Nathan's graduation.....their smiles can always brighten your day:)











The innocent conversation in the morning over breakfast!











My amazing life as a wife!!!!!











I mean I complain a lot about my husband not spending that much time with us because he is always at the fire station but when I take a step back I knew what we was taking on becoming a fire fighters house. And I am so proud to say I am a firefighters' wife. And all the kids are doing is fighting and driving me crazy...but when they come up to me and tell me they love me or just see them acting crazy everything else they do doesn't matter.I wouldn't trade my life as wife or mom for anything it is the most rewarding, fun, crazy ride of my life. No matter what life throws at me or my family we are truly blessed with so much.....the love for each other, all the laughter and fun times we have. Those are the things that mean the most not what size your house is, what you buy, what kind of car you drive or trying to keep up with "Jones' " but its what you are building.....the memories & love.I can say life is good & I am truly happy with my amazing life:)



~ On another positive note my mom is doing so awesome.....she gets to come home the end of this week still has to do therapy at home & out patient therapy at the doctors. But she is walking on her own with walker. And everything else is doing well for her. God is so amazing & answers prayers~

♥ Crazy & Blessed Life ♥

I am enjoying my summer vacation and as of this afternoon my kids will be on summer vacation also.I can not wait we have so much that we plain on doing....beach, picnics, parks, cookouts its going to be so much fun!!!!Only thing I am not looking forward to is in August I will be closing my daycare doors after 10 years :( so I am making this the funnest summer for all the kids! Besides having fun with my family and all the kids I also have a lot to do with the fire department and helping my mom.

My mom just had knee replacement surgery on June 1st. I know it is an easy procedure but for my mom it was high risk due to all her medical problems and the medication she is on. They kept her on her blood thinners up to the day of her surgery ( not only was she on pills but also shots) her surgery and recovery was faster then they thought but once she was in her room they had a hard time keeping her blood pressure down so yesterday they put her on high dosages of blood pressure medication to lower it (it was 189/99) when they got her up to walk it was hard for her do she said her legs just didn't want to work but she did take two steps ( so proud of her).Putting her in God's hands and I know that she will recover fine.

Its taking a toll on me between trying to keep up with everything in the house, daycare, meetings at the fire department and all that they are doing, my kids sports and practices, and taking care of my mom and cleaning her house. I pray for strength to get everything done that needs to done and do it all with a loving heart but I am getting tested by sister and sometimes my step-dad. They are always throwing it in my face that my sister takes my mom everywhere...to her doctor appointments, store, where ever she has to go, and they act like I do nothing for her. I go to her house with my kids and do the yard work, clean the house, do her running around when she asks. I do all this and everything I have to do in my life....kids sports, clean, cook, school, study, practice, meetings.I understand my sister works too but at night and that is it her schedule isn't nearly as busy as mine and when she does do things and take mom places she asks like she is only doing it to get the "perfect daughter award" when you should be doing it because she is your mom! I just wish they would see I do just as much as my sister and I don't even want anything in return for doing it.

I guess all I can do is pray for strength and the ability to forgive. To leave everything in the past and to move on and to love unconditionally and know what I am doing is my best and God knows that and those that hurt me and my family and cause drama will have to meet their judgment in the end and the only thing I can do is leave everything with God & to forgive.

* I am going to update this more...sometimes it'll short but im updating:) *