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Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The Never Ending Roller Coaster

For the past two weeks I have been on a roller coaster ride from hell! One minute I will be feeling fine  and then the next i will be in a manic state then back to fine and then depressed. One of my manic states I went shopping and spent over $1000 and walked into a salon and decided i no longer wanted to look like me and cut over 7in off my hair! Now I dont want to leave my house and if i do or have to i start to panic and all i want to do is cry i dont want to do nothing. i feel so bad cause my kids keep wanting me to take them to the pool but i cant bring myself around to do it. I finally called my doctor yesterday and told them that my Celxa that they have me on for depression is not working and to put me back on Lexapro. He finally called me back today and I now am on Lexapro along with my Bipolar medications Geodon, Lithium and my Anxiety & PTSD medication Klonipin. I pray this combination of medication will finally work so I can function. I am to the point where I want to cut again just to take the pain away but I made a contract to my kids and husband stating that I wont cut or drink. So no worries i am not going to. I just want to be able to sleep and function. I would take the manic over this depression anytime.

I am still in therapy but they also started me on a new kind of therapy called EMDR and man that wares you out the different feelings you go through is crazy. So yes if your counting that is 3 different people i see. Its been awhile since I wrote so I will catch y'all up. We moved into a bigger house and we are buying it, my dad lost his battle with cancer in March so now I am trying to move on with my life. Its hard I miss my parents and its even harder to watch children with their grandparents. I am on summer vacation right now but am doing check offs for my clinical externs.If all goes right and my anxiety doesnt get the best of me I will be graduating May of next year. Im kind of scared to but yet im excited at the same time. Well Im going to try to write in my blog everyday just to write about how my day is going and my emotions Im feeling. Just the life of a bipolar chick:):

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