The roller coaster i live

I feel depressed but yet I feel fine. But then I dont know how I feel and I want to cut myself so the painwill go away and so i'll will feel something. i want to be left alone and just stay in my room but i know i cant i have to go places ( at least that is what kathy tells me) but im afraid togo places and be aound people and hearthe things they say about me and most of all something bad will happen. i feel like im a bad wife because i wont make love to johnathon. its not that i dont cause i do its just i scared to cause i feel like i am hidious and extremly large and i am repulsive to him. i feel he dont believe me about what is wrong and when i talk i bother him. im scared he is going to tell me to leave  because im not being a wife anymore. i just want to be happy and fun be like i use to. i hate myself :( Im just a monster now.